Does being busy mean I have meaningful work?

Got very busy last week with a couple of projects. It's often can be feast or famine when working for myself. I began to feel the stress that most working people, who work on a regular basis feel. It would be nice to have a more balanced perspective, though, I believe that even when work is balanced, stress is a factor. My current project is working with a manufacturer of electric cars (lithium battery-powered) - good for the environment - as far as we can tell at the moment. It's been a fun project, working with a product that's holds promise for a better world --and, it's been creative, lucrative, intellectually stimulating and part of it was working outdoors. That sounds like a pretty good combination of meaningful work that is profitable and stimulating.

I guess that finding real meaningful work is identifying my passion and finding a way to make that profitable and rewarding. I was watching "Planet Earth" last night on the Discover channel and it made me lustful for the type of experiences the documentary production crew of that film were having. Being out there in some remote locations with some of the most unusual beings under and above water. Reminded me of some time I spent in the Galapagos Islands, photographing and writing about the destination. Also got certified for scuba diving there. At the time I was a freelance writer/photographer and traveled to some beautiful places in the world. That work was meaningful in that it put me among other cultures, where I was able to grow and learn more about people and the world we live in. It connected me to others on a broad scale. That's something that translates into "meaningful" for me. Maybe travel is something I should revisit as a profession. I did it for 13 years, and while it was exciting and illuminating, it was also isolating once the trip was over and I was home alone with my notes and pictures. I like being out in the field - whatever field that is -- a field of tulips, of culture, food, electric cars . . . interacting with the world and others in an intimate way.

Now that I'm getting busy, even though some of the work I'm busy with seems meaningful, I have to ensure that I stay on track in my search for meaningful work --and don't get distracted by money and busyness, and end up where I began again.

Daffodils are up

. . . and so are my spirits. What a difference a week makes. Change is constant, as perennial as the seasons. My efforts seem to be bearing fruit. Work is happening - or beginning to. Is it meaningul work? It's using my skills and talents. It's creative, productive. Is it contributing to others' lives? Making them better? Making the world a better place? I suppose you could argue the point, though planning a party for a western city and writing a PR plan for a beverage isn't what I think I'm looking for when I think "meaningful work." I don't hate it and it will provide a comfortable income, but it's not heartfelt. As I continue to explore my interests, I realize that something I need is work that is sensual. That is, it engages most of my senses. Seems when I have that, there's an exchange of energy that begins with the exercise of the senses, then migrates to the heart and the brain. I think that I'll be more satisfied if I begin with the senses rather than beginning with the brain.

Touch, for instance. Massage is one of those areas that has interested me and that I've explored and written about in the past. It's a very intimate experience and one that allows feeling, intuition, thought to be triggered by the hands. It seems like one of those organic experiences - holistic. And if I'm doing it well, I'm bringing healing and pleasure and satisfaction to my subject. It seems like one of those activities that is physical, emotional, intellectual - though probably less so, and intuitive. It's creative.

Working with rock. With stones. A friend of mine just gave me the phone number of a woman who works with stone, building walls. It's something that I've thought a lot about. I'd like to build one for my house. I once took a class in stone wall building and I've read about it. It's another one of the sensual occupations. It's physical and strenuous, it's visual - the beauty and shape of the rock and the placement of the rocks to create an aesthetic, yet strong foundation. It's aural, the sound of rock upon rock. It's tactile - the feel of smooth rock on the hands.

I spoke to the florist and offered my services on a freelance basis or other. We talked about working directly with the flowers as well as promoting their services.

I'm feeling like things are beginning to open up for me as long as I can remain open to what is presented to me. If I can listen in the silence to what my heart yearns for and have the courage to explore it. To choose it.

In New York daffodils are blossoming. Some of them are poking through the remaining snow. Further north in New England, the tender green shoots are just beginning to emerge from the damp earth. Anticipation.

Winter's back

Crazy March. Summer one day, winter the next. Expecting 4-6 inches of snow, freezing rain. It was 70 degrees a couple of days ago. Trying to stay focused on the positive and practice loving kindness toward myself when I begin to degenerate into negative thinking and all the reasons why I won't find what I'm looking for and why noone seems to want my services. I'm too old . . . blah, blah, blah. It's difficult to wake up day after day without feeling any real purpose. I think my purpose now is to be present with what I'm feeling, to allow and embrace those feelings - negative or positive and to stay focused on my discovery process. To be up front and honest with my longings and what I want to explore.


I meditated this morning for the first time in a long time. Been reading about it, listening to a CD - Pema Chodron, "When Things Fall Apart" and "Getting Unstuck." It felt good to do and I felt like I was beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel - literally. A white dot in the distance. Thoughts came in and thoughts went out. Thoughts about massage, becoming a massage therapist -- something I explored in the past. Thoughts about working with flowers - arranging. Sensual occupations - vocations? I think I need to begin meditating regularly.

I had a dream last night that I was at a party at my sister's house and there were crowds of people, a lot of family, gifts wrapped in Christmas paper. The house was extraordinary with a vast, high ceiling and large unusual paintings on the wall, artfully lit. It was a house filled with people in connected rooms and there was a good flow in the layout from room to room. However, the house was very dark. All the blinds were closed, letting no light in. I wanted the light and asked a cousin if I could open the blinds and she reacted with a dramatic, emphatic "no." For a moment, I opened them and caught a glimpse of the light, which felt like a relief, but they were quickly closed again. Another thing that I noticed was that it didn't feel like I was being accepted completely by those family members that I encountered - in the dark. I could barely recognize them. I guess I can use this dream as a metaphor for my search for enlightenment -- to shed light on my vocation -- to luminate my way enroute to the search for meaningful work. That maybe I need the light to experience the clarity and recognize what is (normally familiar) and right in front of my face?

I think it's these subtle things that alert us to direction - God? - Good Orderly Direction?

I've begun to feel shame and embarassment about not having work and getting the rejection or lack of response that I've been experiencing. Pema Chodron writes about embracing those feelings and breathing them into the heart and treating yourself with loving kindness, rather than listening to the voices that tell you how bad you are and why you won't find what you want. Rather, she suggests observing yourself with a sense of delight that you have the wisdom to notice that you're engaging those negative voices, and then to let it go and move on. Kind of like the acknowledgement she writes about regarding when you're meditating and thoughts invade your efforts - label them "thinking" and say it, and move on. I did that this morning and I think it helped me to be more present with my thoughts.

My friend Brian died a couple of days ago and I'm going to a Quaker funeral service this evening. He was 51 and had untreatable leukemia. Life is short. He had been a social worker/therapist. When I visited him on Saturday, while he was breathing his last breaths and reviewing his life, he told me he was going to be buried in Pennsylvania in the town where his interest in art and architecture took root. He said he'd wished that that's the direction he went in rather than his choice of social work. I assured him that he probably helped a lot of people as a social worker. When I die, and I'm reviewing my life (if I have the time and the luxury), I'd like to leave the world, knowing that I did all I could to find the most satisfactory work and life. I'm not so sure that if I die tomorrow, I can say that today.

On this gloomy, rainy, snowy day, I think I'm going to take a walk to a florist around the corner and explore the opportunity to work there part time.

Eye on the prize

I need to remember why I created this blog. Meaningful work. Meaningful life. It's easy to get distracted by any type of employment when there's a need to fill that work hole -- and especially by the money that comes with it. Though the work I'm about to embark upon is interesting, stimulating and challenging, I'm not sure it would qualify as "meaningful" in the way I meant it when I started this blog. Getting to meaningful means getting to work - work, that is, that will help me to discern what will be most fulfilling for me as a person, given my skills, talents or willingness to go beyond them and acquire more. The reading that I've been doing in the Sinetar book suggests some exercises that I've yet to do. Reviewing my history and identifying the work or tasks that were most fulfilling to me - the kind of work that I got lost in and forgot myself. I can think of times when that's happened, but I need to commit it to paper (cyberspace?) and look at it critically and analytically and think about how I can direct my efforts toward the type of work that can help to recapture those feelings. Having said that, I don't think that there's any work "nirvana," where I'll be working in a state of bliss with a beatific smile on my face all the time, though I do think there's a happy medium, where I should be able to have the sense that I'm in the right place and the work that I have provides a strong foundation to support ongoing contentment overall.

On the other hand, I wonder if it makes sense to find work, or continue to do the work that I do, which is somewhat satisfying, though I'm not sure it contributes to the "greater good" according to the ideals that sparked this endeavor. If I go in that direction, and it can be lucrative enough to support the lifestyle to which I've become accustomed, and I don't have to work a forty-plus hour work week for the man -- then does it make sense to use what additional time I have to do the work for the "greater good?" Not sure.

Money. It can be the liberator, but it can also be the prison. It can create a laziness around altruistic ideals and an unbalanced focus on the pleasures that it affords. Meaningful work could mean a pay cut. That's something that I'm not totally comfortable with, but the reality is that there hasn't really been much "pay" in the last several months, apart from a couple of lucrative gigs.

It's a work in progress, this search for that which rewards with meaning in work. It's not going to be like instant coffee, but more like the tea bag that steeps in hot water and gradually reveals its taste and color. I need to stay focused on the search, keep my eye on the prize, lest I become distracted and find myself embarking on this search at some point in the future, when the business has subsided, age has crept in, rejection abounds and despair is deeper. If not now, when?

Wow! Almost a full work day.

It feels good to be working again. A little pressured, since my consulting project, though it seems finalized, has not yet officially been signed off -- budget wise, that is. And we know how those things go. That's just it, sometimes they just "go" -- away. Hopefully, this won't be the case. I spent most of the day researching how I can accomplish this project, since I haven't done it before - conducting a PR agency search on behalf of a client. It's an interesting, challenging project and has already provided an education and intellectual stimulation.

I wrote up my suggested approach to the search, along with some questions, needs and issues -- and budget and emailed it off to my client. I added an additional "ask" in the budget, suggesting that I'm available for a three-day work week at a lesser rate than my general hourly rate. It's worth a shot and if she goes for it, I'll be in good shape for the next few months. If she doesn't, my compensation on this project will be about half what I'd receive for the three-day alternative, but I'll still be in good shape - if she approves my budget.

I was a bit anxious about the project, since I'd never done it before, but all it took was a little research to begin feeling more confident about my process. Even though I "have" this project, I need to continue to reach out and find other opportunities or potentials for a full-time opportunity, I think. Often, when I get a nicely compensated project like this, the yearning for a full-time engagement diminishes. I don't want to keep finding myself in the place where I've just been - unemployed - in another few months.

Gotta keep something or several things in the hopper at all times. I went to a job search seminar on Saturday and learned that my attempts to find work on internet job sites like Monster is pretty much a futile effort. Apparently only 1-3% of people find work that way and only 20% of available jobs are listed online anyway. It helps to gather this type of intelligence, because it will help me to work smarter and not waste time on unfruitful endeavors. Apparently, the best way to find work is through networking. That's the way I got my current consulting opportunity and my experience tells me the same.

Looks like Spring arrived today - for a while anyway. It would have been nice to be out kayaking on the river, as I saw my neighbors doing; but I'm very grateful that I have work to do. It hasn't been the norm for a while. I think I'll go out now and get some fresh air.

Persistence Pays Off

Yesterday's meeting with my client resulted in a challenging project that will last a few months and provide a decent fee. I haven't yet determined what that fee should be, but having it will diminish some of my work anxiety for the moment. I need to determine the scope of work and make an estimate as to what I should charge -- and what we can agree upon.

Having learned from past experience, it's no time to sit around and stop looking for other projects or a full-time job. It makes a big difference to have some work. Adds purpose and makes me feel needed and valued for my abilities. The project has some elements that I'm not completely familiar with, so I need to do some research and figure the best way to approach it. I'm continuing to read the Sinetar book and that's helping with my attitude, motivation and thinking. A friend also gave me a Pema Chodron CD on "Getting Unstuck." Looking forward to reading that on my drive later today.

Also went to the Architectural Digest Home Design show on the pier yesterday to explore my interests in that area. Had a couple of good conversations with "green" designers of furniture with an eye on possible PR representation. It's part of my attempt to create a more holistic, authentic work/life -- combining my interests in the environment, home/interior design and communications. Will follow up with them as appropriate. Also had a free design consultation with a designer about paint color choices for my house. It was a fun discussion that was illuminating for my and helped to decide how I will approach the challenge of coloring my space. Learned a few new things about the process, like adding 10% of the wall color to the ceiling paint to create a more aesthetic and enveloping look. The designer was very generous with her time and knowledge and I offered her a free consultation in communications in return, should she need it.

It's Saturday and I'm planning on heading out of town today to RI, but may go to a free seminar on the job search later this afternoon. Would also like to visit an old friend in the hospital, who I heard is near death from Leukemia. Haven't seen him in several years and am feeling a little awkward about showing up, but it may be a good thing for both of us. Will keep you posted.

Come On, Come Through . . .

. . . New York, New York. You'd think that with so much going on in this city every minute of the day, so many people, offices, industries, visitors -- that I'd be able to land some work somewhere. Perhaps I'm not looking hard enough, or I'm being too picky. I am encouraged by yesterday's news and tomorrow's meeting with former client for consulting work. Haven't accomplished too much today, except for walking the dog, moving the car, attempting to write this blog at Starbucks on my laptop, but couldn't get a clear view of the screen. Maybe a different screen setting?

I spoke to a recruiter about a job this morning to see if she'd had a chance to look at the resume I sent her a couple days ago. She sounded totally inundated with resumes, emails - 6,000 she said - wasn't clear if she meant emails or resumes. "I keep reading them until my eyes go ga ga," she said. Not sure if she's exaggerating or if that's what I'm competing against, not necessarily for the same job.

I'm committing to making a list of things I'd like to do that I think would provide more meaning and enjoyment in my work/life. Some things that I've thought about ever since I realized I'd have to work some day, but for one reason or another put them on the shelf in the interest of doing something more practical and more likely to produce a decent income -- not that the others wouldn't if I was able to show talent for them and persist in my pursuit. That seems to be one of the main things that I have to do - persist - and not get demoralized and depressed with the rejection. In the big picture, I really haven't been out there that long actively looking for a new opportunity. Gotta hang in and keep the focus on what I'm looking for.

There's an Architectural Digest Design Show that I'm going to try and get to tomorrow. It's an area that I'm interested in and may be worth exploring and seeing if there's any opportunity there. There's also a free job search seminar on Saturday that I'm thinking of checking out. Gotta spread my wings if I want to fly.

If I can make it there . . .

. . . I can make it anywhere? Hope so. This year marks the 30th I've been in NYC. Moved here right out of college and began working in the restaurant/hotel business with an eye on becoming a copywriter in advertising. Made the effort, had some interviews, but it didn't happen. Instead, I left for about six months to tend bar in a mountain lodge in Grand Lake, Colorado, then on to Venice Beach, where I worked again as a waiter/short order cook at a restaurant in Marina del Rey. That was all fun, but a detour from my more serious career ambitions. Came back to NYC and was hired by a film/tape storage and distribution company as a "special projects coordinator." Lasted 2 plus years, was fired and launched my freelance career as a writer/photographer. Got my first published articles and photos on that film job and was able to leverage them when seeking out freelance work. Did the writing/photo thing for 13 years and became a published writer in national/trade magazines, travel guides and major daily newspapers. Traveled a lot, had fun and saw a lot of the world. Got bored and sought out the help of a career counsellor, where I did some testing, talking, exploring and ended up in Divinity School (see first post).

Anyway, was feeling a bit despairing and depressed today. Drove back to NYC from RI to make an afternoon therapy appt. Made it by the skin of my teeth after having trouble finding parking, then realizing I'd forgotten my wallet and having to hustle up a dollar from a smoker in a mink coat, shivering outside her office building . I thought she'd be a good bet. "You're in luck," she said, as she dug into her coat pocket and peeled a single off a wad of bills. "Thanks, best thing that happened to me all day," I said. And it was. Got the dollar, fed the meter and made it to my appt. with time to spare. Could it have been the prayer I said when closing in on the time for my appt.?

Therapist thought I might be sitting on my "pity pot." I think he was right. It was good to hash out some of my anger at being in the position I'm in - no work, no relationship, cash flow diminishing - poor me. I've got a lot more to be grateful for and need to remember that and express my gratitude, when I'm feeling that way.

The Sinetar book is helping, in that she's writing about using crisis as an opportunity for invention. Living in the solution. Thinking solutions. She uses one example of the housewife, who went looking for a job and spent a lot of time in waiting rooms prior to being rejected. That same housewife went off and thought about what it is that she could do, since she's been out of the workforce for a while. Aha! Waiting. She started a business, where she waits - for deliveries, mail, etc. -- for people who are too busy to wait themselves. You get the idea. I've already been a "waiter" but I get the process and need to think more expansively about my options.

Well, I'm feeling better now that I've been therapized and had the opportunity to vent here in my blog, and I found a parking space a block away from my apt. I'm blessed. More good news. Checked my email and had a reply from a client I've been trying to track down for a few months now. Seems she may have some consulting work for me, though she's also looking for a full-timer and it's a company, whose business, creativity and integrity I respect. We have a meeting in a couple of days. Will keep you posted.

The wind is blowing

Day 2. It's windy and cold outside. I'm here in the country in Rhode Island, alone, isolated -- and working. I'd like to feel like that wind is blowing through me and pushing out all the negativity and making room for some positive, new thoughts and ideas.

Had another disappointment (opportunity?) yesterday regarding a potential consulting opportunity that could have led into a full-time job. Do I really want a full-time job? I think so. I know it will take some adjusting, since I've had gobs of free time to do whatever I please and I can work in my underwear if I please. Is man's rejection really God's protection? I'm kind of tired of the consulting life and the lack of structure. Think I need more structure in my life. It seems to be emotionally stabilizing when I get it. I'm tempted to take anything that comes my way at this point, though I need to be patient, discerning and hope for the type of work that will be meaningful, fulfilling and interesting for me. I'm reading Marsha Sinetar's book "To Build the Life You Want, Create the Work You Love." http://www.marshasinetar.com/ It's interesting and inspirational and feels very much like she's writing about me. The last time I had a career crisis, (my second mid-life crisis), I went to a workshop at Kripalu http://www.kripalu.org/, a center for yoga in the Berkshires. It was a five-day workshop, where I met Sinetar and David Whyte http://davidwhyte.bigmindcatalyst.com/, a poet who wrote "The Heart Aroused" (Poetry and the Preservation of the Soul in Corporate America). I had been in a full-time job in PR at the time and was on my way out, but wasn't sure which way to go. The workshop helped and so did the yoga. Not long after that I left my job and started my own consulting business, which is still in existence, but the well has dried up -- partly because I haven't been dipping the bucket much. Got a little lazy, having had one very good client.

I spent a lot of time yesterday looking at blogs. Googled "meaningful work blogs" and came up with 1,320,000 entries. Mine was not on the top of that list. There's a lot of literature out there though and many people apparently looking for the same thing. Also checked out Monster and some other job sites. Sent an application to a recruiter for a job representing a law firm - director of external communications. Do I really want that? The money's good, but again, is that the best reason to follow that opportunity? Could be interesting work and it's worth exploring. Also found another post on another site that was offering "meaningful work." It's a company that aligns corporations with social causes. Seems a lot closer to what I'm looking for. They requested an impossibly thoughtful and engaging cover letter with my resume. I got creative and put it together last night and figure I've got nothing to lose (except the job opportunity) by sending in a very unusual, provocative, compelling letter. That's what they asked for. We'll see how much they meant it.

One of my greatest frustrations with this current search is the lack of response that people provide once I take the time and thought and put in the energy to respond. It baffles me that people are so unresponsive. A form letter even? Is it my age? I do believe that it may have something to do with it at times. Some are looking for seasoning. Others may look at it as "expensive," "low energy," "wants a life."

Anyway, I'm back on the road again today and feel like I made some progress yesterday. My cash flow is eroding and I fear that I'll have to start dipping into investments. Don't want to do that, but what is a reserve for anyway? Gotta get to work. It's 11:30 already! That's one of the problems when there's no structure and I have nothing to do when I wake up in the morning. Well, there's always something to do, but there's no one cracking a whip behind me, not that I want that either. I have to remember that I've had a successful career and that this blip is just a little time in the desert. A time to renew, reinvent, rediscover, and find something that will provide more satisfaction than what came before. Found this site that may help to stay positive during the trial http://careerencouragement.typepad.com. Stay tuned.

The Search for Meaningful Work

OK, so I've taken the leap. A blog! A way to merchandise misfortune. Or, is it fortune in which I find myself, at 54 years old, self-unemployed, questioning, looking, managing rejection? It's been frustrating for this baby boomer, who's spent most of his career inventing and reinventing himself, taking risks and generally being successful in each of my endeavors. I can't remember the last time I've been in this situation, without any employment, self or otherwise. Been managing my own media relations, consulting business and teaching since 1998. It's been very successful for the most part, though things went south a bit after 911. Managed to have an apt. in NYC, a house in the country, car, dog, to eat well, live well. Along with this fortune has come a degree of loneliness, isolation and dissatisfaction. Am I a malcontent or do I have a legitimate crisis? Not my first one either. Had one back in 1994 after working as a freelance writer/photographer for 13 years. Went back to school, Harvard Divinity School, to explore a career in pastoral counseling, social justice -- wasn't quite sure where I was heading with it. Had I continued the three-year program, I would have gone back the second year to work in in-home hospice in Boston. Went back to NYC that summer after the first year to freelance in PR (more lucrative than taking the $10 per hour job as a gardener in the Center for World Religions), though that might have been the more heart-felt choice to make at the time. I don't regret the choice, but realize that chasing the $, has sometimes lead to less satisfactory situations, when following a deeper desire to connect with people in a more authentic way might have been the call at the time. The money, however, has enabled a lifestyle that also has brought a measure of satisfaction. Where's the balance?

I'm excited about having created this blog, at the urging/recommendation of a friend, whose wise counsel and intelligence I appreciate. It's part of my intent to redefine myself and find a work/life solution that will allow me to live in abundance with engagement, stimulation, compensation, satisfaction, integrity and meaning. Not asking for too much, am I? If nothing else, it may begin to provide the outline/direction for that book that I've thought about writing for decades now. And for now, I might even have some readers to provide the feedback, comment and insight that could make it a volume that might help others who find themselves in this same dilemma. That's all for now.