Crazy March. Summer one day, winter the next. Expecting 4-6 inches of snow, freezing rain. It was 70 degrees a couple of days ago. Trying to stay focused on the positive and practice loving kindness toward myself when I begin to degenerate into negative thinking and all the reasons why I won't find what I'm looking for and why noone seems to want my services. I'm too old . . . blah, blah, blah. It's difficult to wake up day after day without feeling any real purpose. I think my purpose now is to be present with what I'm feeling, to allow and embrace those feelings - negative or positive and to stay focused on my discovery process. To be up front and honest with my longings and what I want to explore.
I meditated this morning for the first time in a long time. Been reading about it, listening to a CD - Pema Chodron, "When Things Fall Apart" and "Getting Unstuck." It felt good to do and I felt like I was beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel - literally. A white dot in the distance. Thoughts came in and thoughts went out. Thoughts about massage, becoming a massage therapist -- something I explored in the past. Thoughts about working with flowers - arranging. Sensual occupations - vocations? I think I need to begin meditating regularly.
I had a dream last night that I was at a party at my sister's house and there were crowds of people, a lot of family, gifts wrapped in Christmas paper. The house was extraordinary with a vast, high ceiling and large unusual paintings on the wall, artfully lit. It was a house filled with people in connected rooms and there was a good flow in the layout from room to room. However, the house was very dark. All the blinds were closed, letting no light in. I wanted the light and asked a cousin if I could open the blinds and she reacted with a dramatic, emphatic "no." For a moment, I opened them and caught a glimpse of the light, which felt like a relief, but they were quickly closed again. Another thing that I noticed was that it didn't feel like I was being accepted completely by those family members that I encountered - in the dark. I could barely recognize them. I guess I can use this dream as a metaphor for my search for enlightenment -- to shed light on my vocation -- to luminate my way enroute to the search for meaningful work. That maybe I need the light to experience the clarity and recognize what is (normally familiar) and right in front of my face?
I think it's these subtle things that alert us to direction - God? - Good Orderly Direction?
I've begun to feel shame and embarassment about not having work and getting the rejection or lack of response that I've been experiencing. Pema Chodron writes about embracing those feelings and breathing them into the heart and treating yourself with loving kindness, rather than listening to the voices that tell you how bad you are and why you won't find what you want. Rather, she suggests observing yourself with a sense of delight that you have the wisdom to notice that you're engaging those negative voices, and then to let it go and move on. Kind of like the acknowledgement she writes about regarding when you're meditating and thoughts invade your efforts - label them "thinking" and say it, and move on. I did that this morning and I think it helped me to be more present with my thoughts.
My friend Brian died a couple of days ago and I'm going to a Quaker funeral service this evening. He was 51 and had untreatable leukemia. Life is short. He had been a social worker/therapist. When I visited him on Saturday, while he was breathing his last breaths and reviewing his life, he told me he was going to be buried in Pennsylvania in the town where his interest in art and architecture took root. He said he'd wished that that's the direction he went in rather than his choice of social work. I assured him that he probably helped a lot of people as a social worker. When I die, and I'm reviewing my life (if I have the time and the luxury), I'd like to leave the world, knowing that I did all I could to find the most satisfactory work and life. I'm not so sure that if I die tomorrow, I can say that today.
On this gloomy, rainy, snowy day, I think I'm going to take a walk to a florist around the corner and explore the opportunity to work there part time.
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